Ch 2: Mastering Crucial Conversations

The Power of Dialogue

At the start of research for this book, the authors never intended to study crucial conversations. It was by sheer accident due to asking the wrong research questions; originally they sought to figure out how individuals in a business are effective in getting the work accomplished. The quest to find these candidates began by seeking different organizations and finding their most influential employee. The topic of this book, crucial conversations, was accidentally discovered in observation of an employee named Kevin, a VP at a corporation.

At first, the authors did not find Kevin to be extraordinary; Kevin did what most VPs were expected to do. Yet, it was at a meeting with the other VPs in the company that Kevin proved to be influential indeed. Unlike his peers, Kevin demonstrated his ability to hold a crucial conversation with his boss by candidly speaking about his opinion on the proposed project. The authors realized that Kevin did what most fail to execute in those crucial moments; he did not succumb to the old approach, known as the “Fool’s Choice” (22). This commonly committed offense is the believe that when times call for honest feedback, often individuals fall in the trap of feeling they must choose between option one and option two. In the former, one can decide in  “telling the truth” and in the latter, one can choose “keeping a friend”(22). The problem with this thinking is the false notion that only one can prevail. Nonetheless, Kevin proved that one is not forced to pick one alternative over the other. Rather, honesty and respect can be mutually achieved.

Our lives begin to end the day we became silent about things that matter. 
--Martin Luther King Jr. 

The problem is how that can be done? This will be addressed in the following chapters. The authors first explain the process of holding a healthy and robust conversation that seeks to demolish the “Fool’s Choice” concept and replace it with first explaining how to engage in a dialogue. This simply means “the free flow of meaning between two or more people” (23). Dialogue begins by sharing ideas and providing the place for others to feel safe to input their ideas freely. This in essence is what the authors coin as a “shared pool of meaning” (24).  As individuals, every person has his own pool of meaning that contains thoughts, feelings, experiences, and knowledge about a certain matter. In times where people have opposing opinions, that is when shared pool of meaning is necessary. Two individuals holding a crucial conversation can have a dialogue where ideas can be candidly expressed in the open and the best decisions can be deducted based on the greater pool of combined information.

Thus, better solutions can be determined because there is increased information readily available to both. On the other hand, deviating either way from this pool of shared meaning is silence or violence. Individuals that find themselves in a heated debate make the conversation ineffective and childish. The outcome of this is that one person might choose to withhold information that could be added to the shared pool by not responding or depending on  “hints, sarcasm, casuistic humor, innuendo and looks of disgust to make our points” (27). Sometimes people take the other tactic, which involves forcing one’s views on others by employing disdainful diction and disregarding the other’s opinion. None of these tools work to better the situation. What one should comprehend at this point is that learning the art of dialogue, the most superior option, is easier than falling in the habit of getting into uncomfortable or insensitive arguments. Allowing the mismanagement of conversations can widen the chasm in a relationship. Still, this can be fixed by simply changing how one handles crucial conversations.

Crucial Conversations (Intro, Ch 1 Summary)

Introduction 

Last summer I attended the Global Leadership Summit. There I discovered a perfectly titled book, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler. This book was written in 2002; I am specifically focusing on the latest edition published in 2012. What has made this book a New York Times bestseller is that the lessons taught in this book go beyond just the pages; there is a CD version and a online sources, VitalSmarts, which contribute to equipping the readers with knowledge and power to build robust and healthy relationships grounded on communication. The authors took several years researching and focusing on case studies of companies and individuals to understand successful communications. The combined results and analyses helped create this powerful book, which has now been translated intro several languages. I am eager to begin this journey and start my life with a fresh outlook, a more mature understanding, and begin to decipher how I will develop my communication skills, not only so that I can excel in my career in marketing, but so that I can have more meaningful conversations. It is one thing to be able to speak clearly and eloquently, but it is another to be able to speak critically and effectively when stakes are high. Robert Frost's poem, "The Road Not Taken" will guide my journey as a constant reminder of the importance of having Crucial Conversations:

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, 

And sorry I could not travel both 

And be one traveler, long I stood 

And looked down one as far as I could 

To where it bent in the undergrowth;… 

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--

I took the one less traveled by,

And that has made all the difference.  

The biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
 -George Bernard Shaw

Ch. 1: What's a Crucial Conversation? 

And Who Cares?

It is rather easy to assume the crucial conversations this book is referring to are the ones that happen between a firm's board of directors, or a President and his cabinet, or an anchorman with a politician, or business executives and lawyers. All of these are possible occasions for such conversations; however, crucial conversations are every day dialogues that can happen to any member of the human race. What characterizes and sets it apart from other forms of communications are three essential triggers. First, there must be varying opinions. The second factor is that stakes are high, and lastly, emotions run deep. All which set the stage for crucial conversations. The authors' definition of crucial conversation is "A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) options vary, and (3) emotions run strong" (3). When having these conversations, there are three obvious choices one can make: he or she can avoid them, confront them poorly, or confront them effectively. The problem with these options is that we never choose for them to end poorly, rather there are lurking variables (as I call them), which influence the outcome. The variables I am talking about are adrenaline and spontaneity. It is in these crucial moments that the brain decides to check out when the adrenaline sets in; the body "diverts blood from activities that it deems nonessential to high-priority tasks such as hitting and running" (5). The higher reasoning parts of the brain are not capable to function as well and that is why we tend to perform poorly in these occasions, later regretting what was said. In addition, many times these conversations are spontaneous- giving you very little time to prepare. Although one tries to steer clear of disastrous conversations, sometimes it is impossible to avoid. There are several examples where issues that could have been handled well but often turned sour. These examples are found in the book and here are some common ones: ending a relationship, asking a roommate to move out, giving the boss feedback about her behavior, asking in-laws to quit interfering, dealing with a rebellious teen, and many more (8-9). The authors believe they make an audacious claim that all strong relationship must stem from "the ability to talk openly about high-stakes, emotional, controversial topics” (9). With that being said, crucial conversations can influence the trajectory of one's life. In short, we must face the crucial conversations and conduct them well in order to be successful in all areas of life.