How to Stay Focused on What You Really Want…
Finally to the “how” part of this crucial conversation
process; you begin with the “first principle of dialogue- start with the
heart”(33). What this is referring to is the internal control of one’s
emotions. When crucial conversations go awry it can probably be attributed to one’s perspective of the
situation. People assume others are in the wrong and they did everything right,
however, it’s is not “our behavior degenerates. It’s that our motives do- a fact that we usually miss”. Of course there are times when one can assume his
innocence, but often that is not the case. The proper approach to any dialogue
is to monitor one’s outlook of the issue at hand, because he is the only person
that can be changed. Internal control looks at the heart- the right motives.
Staying focused on the right motive gives the ability to remember what you want
and choosing to not slip in the habit of a Fool’s Choice- the either or option.
The Fool’s Choice is the common misconception where the
person involved in the conversation believes there are only two alternatives he
or she can take when it comes to handling the problem. The incorrect action
here is to pick the option of being brutally honest or ignoring the problem so
to keep friends and the peace. Yet, this principle demands that one not collapse
to this fallacy and instead choose to stay focused, remembering what issue the
conversation was originally addressing. The best way to practice this principle
is by taking a second to think and recollecting the motive, to help stay focused.
Do not let the competitive side be the “dialogue killer”(38). The heart can be
changed when one takes a hold of the winning mentality. Moreover, do not stray
towards anger, “from wanting to win to wanting to harm to the other person
“(39). Some fall prey to the idea of peace-making because they are too afraid
of conflict- wondering toward personal safety- and they accept unfavorable
results. All this can be avoided if one takes a moment to meditate and ask, “what do
I really want here”(41). This will immediately calm the blood and bring one
back to the heart of the matter-the motive. It is the question that directs the
inner compass back to the “North star”, stopping the possibility of veering off
the path. Physiologically speaking, it redirects the blood to the brain instead
of the rest of the body where then it gets ready for the flight or fight
response. Thus, the brain can have the available resources to sustain logical
and rational functions of the body. It is ironic how the heart can lead the
body towards logical thinking and prevent emotions from controlling the
conversations.
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