How to Stay in Dialogue When You’re Angry, Scared, or Hurt
It’s not how you play the game, it’s how the game plays you.
Once you have learned how to make a conversation safe for the
other person, the next step in the art of crucial conversations is mastering
one’s story. Holding a dialogue when stakes are high, emotions are strong, and
viewpoints vary makes it extremely difficult to command control over your
emotions. The success of that dialogue is greatly influenced by one’s attitude
and feelings. In order to monitor and keep emotions at check, it will require
one to govern the intermediate step, “a point of leverage or control” (109),
which can be found in the Path to Action model. Here we learn there is a step
before the intermediate, what others do and say, and after this point, your
response to them. The Path to Action model provides a simple explanation of how
feelings, thoughts, and observations influence our actions. The first step is observing
others (see and hear). After comes the telling your story, the intermediate
step. Then the emotions emerge out of the stories from where meaning is drawn.
Lastly, these previous steps combine to create a response. The part that
dictates the types of emotions or feelings one may during the discussion are
directed by the “intermediate step between what others do and how we feel”,
your story (109). Here is where all the power over the emotions can dramatically
change the end result of any conversation. The reason why your story, created
in your head, is so vital for determining the kind of emotions that will transpire
is because “Stories provide our rational for what’s going on”(109). It is how
one “[interprets] … the facts…also help explain how” and all of these things
build to create the emotions, which are “directly linked to our judgments of
right/wrong, good/bad, kind/selfish, fair/unfair” (109-110). It all happens
with or without your knowledge in merely few seconds. Hence, mastering your story
will be effective in moderating your emotions and ultimately the actions
thereafter.
To master your story requires reflection and a different
story. The change originates with retracing this Path to Action. This involves close
examination of your behavior. Ask if your response took the “form of silence or
violence”; this means you have to get in touch with your feelings (112). Then figure
out what emotions are encouraging the response by identify the feelings that
lead to the behavior. Next, separate the facts and the story you invented about
the situation to find what part of the story is creating the emotions.
Consequently, this will reveal the type of story that was used to justify the
action or response. These types of stories are known as clever stories (victim,
villain, and helpless clever stories). Once this has been done, tell the rest
of the story by asking:
1. Am I pretending not to notice my
role in the problem?
2. Why would a reasonable,
rational, and decent person do this?
3. What do I really want?
4. What would I do right now if I
really wanted these results?
(130)
[Figure 6-2 The Path To Action]
Analysis:
Nothing in this world is good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
--William Shakespeare
The concept of a clever story is very intriguing, not just
in terms of crucial conversations. The manipulation of facts to crafty stories
in order to justify one’s mistakes or to appease one’s conscious is unethical.
Clever stories give one the freedom from acknowledging his error and assuming
responsibility. In topic of pornography as a form of adultery begs me to
question if some men’s justification of pornography can be equated to a clever
story? In reaction to the male population use of porn, do women disregard the
harm of pornography, use as a way to soothe their discomfort, with a clever
story of their own? I think it is safe to say yes. Now men or women can use
pornography, but for the purpose of simplification I will refer to men as the
porn users. There is no doubt that the industry of pornography eats away at the
heart young men and women who fall pray to its grip: it enslaves people and
reinforces sex trafficking industry, it degrades the human body as something to
be respected, and it destroys the way men and women view relations with one
another.
In contemporary times, men have used clever stories to
refute the evil that proliferates from the pornography business. The clever
stories are shaped by false claims and skewed facts. The idea “all guys do it”
is the typical or commonly observed rational that gives consent pornography’s
use. This is a sweeping generalization that cannot be proven. Also, the problem
with this rational is that it frees the blame from those who consume it, despite
pressing issues of human trafficking and the amount of injustice committed as a
result. Men invent clever stories to ignore the fact that pornography is not
right in any circumstance. There is no good that can come from the
objectification of women.
Some say that pornography has lowered the rate of rape and
sexual abuse. This may be due to other lurking factors that can be attributed
to reducing rape. In addition, there are many places in society where rape has
not lessened. For example, college campuses in the United States are witnessing
more cases of rape and sexual harassment. Furthermore, the future implications
and the greater influence pornography will have on young children, who are
being aggressively targeted by this industry, will be one that will require
attention to aid those who are addicted.
Like I mentioned before, many females support the use of
clever stories to convince that a man’s use of pornography is justifiable. Women
have been feed the lie that is natural for men to look at porn. The clever
story here is that it is “perfectly normal” for men and it should be accepted
because it is better than the alternative, an affair or an infidelity. The
facts are not there to tolerate the purchase of pornography. Every individual
must acknowledge this wrong and question his intensions when acting on lustful
desires. The evils that arise from pornography can be blamed on those who use
it, distribute it, and produce it. The use of pornography should not be an outlet
for one’s feelings. If the person viewing these services understood the
injustice that occurs as of result (indirectly or directly linked to his
actions), would he acknowledge his actions as unacceptable and change his ways?
Hopefully, he would revise his story.
No comments:
Post a Comment